Evening News
The evening news on See-A-Nun TV channel. Goddie is disguised as a news reader by clever application of violet mascara and a few strips of cloth dangling loosely from his ears.
The screen now shows a masculine lady in a polo t-shirt bulging with muscles, baseball cap and wristbands. Her voice is surprisingly melodious, reminiscent of autumn breeze and milk vans.
Irma: A tragedy struck the small
Goddie (from the studio): Yes Irma, I just read out all the lines in the report you had written so painstakingly. So you are in a jam. Raspberry, indeed. Haha!
Irma (panicking): There is mass hysteria in Strawberry due to the unexpected death of one of the few local attractions. Sister Agatha was a popular and well-known figure of 34-28-32 in not just her village but as far as Pickled Herrings. A kind and loving soul of 32, she hardly looked out of her teenage years and, according to Rev. Budwielder, was “a most accompalished organ player.”
Goddie (from the studio): Irma, you just stepped in muck. Hoho!
Irma (wiping her shoes on her stockings): Sister Agatha was also a member of the SJD mission – a global communion of nuns devoted to spreading the cause and words of our Lord JD. She was an active gossiper, patient listener, marriage counselor, divorce specialist and organizer of many garage sales in this lively little pink village.
Goddie (from the studio): Irma, what do people remember most about Sister Agatha’s last days? Show us some other ugly mugs. I am sick of your blue lips.
Irma: As I said before, there is widespread disbelief in this God-fearing community. No one has fully come to terms that the chirpy nun that was so much a part of their lives and livelihood is no more. There was nothing suspicious in her behaviour in the past few days. Some people do claim she had become a bit nervous and was drinking quite a lot more rum than her customary three glasses of ‘Sailors’ XXX’. But all this is just speculation.
Goddie (from the studio): Yes, indeed. That’s all they ever do. Speculate. Did anyone think of checking her dressing table? Any hidden cameras in her bath? No! And now when she’s dead – Lord bless her – they all speculate.
Someone (from off-camera): Hey, calm down. This isn’t personal, remember?
Irma: Uh, right. Even as the town prepares for a lavish funeral to bid goodbye to their favorite enchantress and prime source of revenue in this otherwise barren garbage dump, the applications have started pouring in from around the world to replace sister Agatha. Thousands of young nuns who have joined SJD in the recent years wish to continue Agatha’s work of illuminating the followers and spreading the faith in this agnostic region.
Goddie (in studio): Pagans! Communists! Bastard sons of Tom Cruise…!! (he starts foaming at the mouth in rage.)
Someone (off camera): Restrain him! He’s getting his fits again.
Goddie (recovering): I am fine. Go on, Irma.
Irma: I am done. That’s all. Back to the studio while I sample the local brew.
She strides off with her arm around a three-year old.
Goddie: A sad day, indeed for Strawberry and also for us at See-A-Nun. We need such pious souls alive and kicking ass –
Someone (off camera): Shut the heck up! Where’s your Appropriate Language Substitution Device?
Goddie (to someone): You are wearing mine, you idiot.
Goddie (to audience): Please forget what I just said. Pull it out of your ears. Pious souls like sister Agatha are badly needed and sorely missed in this world of little faith. We only hope other gorgeous women will hear the call and join this noble cause. Otherwise we at See-A-Nun will be out of business. Now for the sports news.
He bends down to pick up something and produces a super-sized replica of Raphael’s “Depp in the Bogs”.
Goddie: The Annual –
Some people come running and gag him with red handkerchiefs. They handcuff him and drag him forcibly away from the studio. An immaculately dressed German Shepherd comes on the scene.
GS: We are terribly sorry for this interruption. I’d like to apologize for the shameful behaviour of one of our news readers. His actions are a blatant breach of the policies of our organization. I assure you he will be relieved of his responsibilities till he gets rid of that horrible violet mascara and that mongrel accent.
We at See-A-Nun are committed to provide you with the finest piece of ....uh, news round the cloak and sometimes behind it.
Three more stooges join him and they shout the trademark chorus:
“It doesn’t come any fresher.”
