Woof !

Goddie and Bugger are dressed as door-to-door salesmen. In addition to cheap jackets and cheaper trousers, Bugger is wearing a fake moustache and Goddie has put on imitation RayBans. They are about to ring the bell of the first house in the locality. (First from the right. No, left. My right…no…)

The bell rings rather politely with just two ‘R’s, as befits well groomed bells of decent households. Trring.

Goddie: Ready?

Bugger (tapping his nose): Hrrmm..All right. Here goes…

A middle-aged matronly woman opens the door.

Goddie: Good afternoon, ma’am. Sorry to disturb your bath –

Woman: But I wasn’t bathing.

Bugger: Your nap –

Woman: I was baking some coo –

Goddie (hastily): Ma’am, we are here to introduce a radical product.

Woman: I am really sorry, but –

Bugger: Ma’am, we are in complete awareness of how you feel at this exact moment. We know there are thousands of pesky door-to-door salesmen and women who hound model citizens like you to death. Insufferable, ungrateful, irresponsible and rude bloodsuckers they are, ma’am. They trap you in silky but venomous webs woven verbally, then smother you with sugary smiles and force you to buy perfectly useless junk.

Goddie: We know the type, ma’am.

Bugger: But we are not them.

Goddie: Look into these honest eyes and ask yourself, “Can anything possibly be purer than this?” And then, rest assured, your life will change.

Bugger: For in the next two minutes, you will be introduced to a product that guarantees to bury you in happiness many feet deep, make you feel as if you have entered a sci-fi movie, and become a source of pride to you.

Woman: Oh, all right then. So what is it that you are selling?

Bugger digs into his bag and whips out something. They both take a step back and display it with flourish.

Woman: It’s a balloon.

Goddie: Forgive me, ma’am, but you have jolted us rather severely by saying something so preposterous. Why, a BALLOON? But I suppose we can’t blame you. It does resemble a balloon somewhat. It’s made of rubber, has a blowhole, is pink in colour.

Woman: So if it’s not a balloon, what is it?

Goddie: It’s an –

Bugger: Artificial womb.

Woman: Beg your pardon?

Bugger: A womb.

Goddie: Artificial. Without going into technical details, we can say it grows babies.

Woman: And how does that work?

Goddie: I’m afraid that’s a trade secret ma’am.

Woman: Uh. What’s your company?

Bugger: We don’t have one.

Goddie: A man is known by the company he keeps. We wish to remain anonymous.

Woman: Look –

Bugger: With this portable, pocket-size, adjustable, inconspicuous, reusable, sturdy, aesthetic product, you can grow babies of any size when and where you want without embarrassment or pain.

Goddie pulls out a handful from the bag.

Goddie: Comes in different colors to suit your mood, light in weight, easy to handle.

Bugger: And it’s dirt cheap.

Woman: Well, I really don’t see what I could do with another womb.

Goddie: This product has been made keeping people like you in mind. With 40 years of rugged life behind you, don’t you think you are ready for a change?

Woman: I don’t think I need more kids.

Bugger: Think again.

Woman: I just did. Now I really think I should –

Goddie: Wait! That’s not even half of what this amazingly simple gadget can do.

Bugger: The most outstanding characteristic of this product is that it is multi-functional.

Woman: You mean this is a womb and also something else?

Goddie: Exactly. Look here. It is a handy weapon for self-defense for timid women like you, ma’am. Just pull it back and let it go. SNAP! Better than pepper sprays and rusty umbrellas, eh?

Bugger: It can come in handy when you lose your hair-clip in a crowded bus. Jus wrap it around those lovely tresses.

Goddie: Are you asthmatic? Just blow it full of air and carry it around. Your ready supply of precious air when you need it.

Woman (quite irritated): Listen, I really need to –

Bugger suddenly starts digging his nose furiously.

Goddie: Uhuhh. Here, ma’am. Let me demonstrate.

He blows out the almost-like-a-balloon gadget.

Woman: What’s that written on it? “H.A.P.P.Y B.I.R.T…”

Goddie (deflating it quickly): It’s a welcome message. We took care to make the gadget user friendly.

Woman (now furious): Y'know what? I think you are a couple of frauds.

Bugger redoubles his nose-digging efforts.

Goddie (hastily): Ma’am..Smile, you are on –

She slams the door on their faces.

Goddie (whining): Well? Did it work this time?

Bugger: I dink nod.

Goddie: Damn. I told you that camera-in-the-nostrils trick is useless. New hosts for “Candid Camera”... Exciting career, eh, you nitwit?? May Madonna take me to bed if I listen to you ever again!

Bugger: I can’d ged id oud!

Goddie (softening): You were quite impressive, though. If only we had managed to film it...“Venomous webs woven verbally…” Hmmm..Try saying that double fast.

Bugger (with a hand on his nose): I dink id’s sdug really deeb.

Goddie: Venomouswebswovenverbally venomouswebswovenverbally….

Goddie on Monday, June 11, 2007 at 10:20 PM | Permalink