Woof !

Gaudily decked, goaded by Bugger, a certain dog-like creature has finally ventured out of the hole-in-the-wall that’s called ‘home’ by some. This reluctance to smell the fresh air is born in part from the beast’s snobbish stubby snout, as well as the Bugger’s unashamed addiction to what he calls ‘work’ - scribbling, muttering, recording, reading, meeting….which leaves virtually no time to accompany his best fiend in leisurely strolls. But let’s get on with the walk. After all, it’s Goddie’s first in India.

Goddie (to himself): I always knew nothing pleasant would come of living with the idiot. Of all the alluring charm in the world, he’s chosen this crappy corner. Why did I allow myself to be dragged along? I thought we were off to Hawaii, the way he was chirping when we closed shop in Singapore… Banana daiquiris and bare brown butts……

He is interrupted by a proper street dog, which approaches him suspiciously.

Dog: Hello. Can we play?

Goddie: Play? Sure. I’d love a game or two of squash.

Dog: Squashed tomatoes? I’m liking that game also. There is a trash bin here only.

Goddie: Uhh?

Dog: I love the smell of rotten tomatoes. And also the feeling on the nose…

Goddie: Yuck. You play in garbage?

Dog (looking uncertain): Food.

Goddie: I better get going now. Sorry, I’m slightly pressed for time.

The dog tries to scratch Goddie, but hastily retreats seeing the bared fangs.

Dog (to Goddie’s back): Ok ok. I’m very sorry, ssir.

Goddie (muttering again): What’s all this noise, man… Jesus! Look at that guy…

And so, with such grumbles and grunts of disbelief, Goddie walks far out into the battle-ridden terrain of Mumbai’s main streets.

Goddie (avoiding a well-aimed kick by a passer-by): Bloody… oh, I’d have chewed a piece off that leg if I hadn’t sworn never to taste human flesh. If this is how they treat people out here, I wonder how they ever get along with each other.

As if in answer, he’s surrounded by a dozen demented-looking strays, adorned with saffron bandanas and vermillion smudges on the foreheads. For the first time in his life (and this takes a lot of courage to admit), Goddie looks a bit… scared?

Dog 1: Where’re you from?

Goddie: Err, I live right there.....?

Dog 2: You think we are fully idiots or what? You are speaking Hindi and you are walking like you own this street.

Goddie: Well, I’ve this power…

Dog 1: Power? Oh, so now you’re telling you have powers. In Maharashtra?

Goddie: Now, look here…

Dog 3 (growling): Shut up your mouth!! This city is ours. Milwaukee Naturalists’ Society is going to clean it.

Goddie: I didn’t know globalization has reached such levels in India that Americans want to clean up Indian gutters…..

Dog 2: Globalization is the root cause of all evil. We are not doing anything with it. We want the city only. And its people only. No outsiders.

Dog 1 (aside to others): It’s Mehta’s Nimbu-paani Stall, by the way…

The crowd is getting increasingly agitated, with froth visible from many jaws and louder growls each minute.

Goddie: Hold on, now. There’s no need to get so worked up –

Dog 3: We have no work! You outsiders are taking everything only. The only way to win back our living (also elections) is by driving out such dirty people.

Dog 1 (scratching himself): Wait… I think it’s Mallika’s Nascent Sexuality….shit, I’m forgetting what I am barking for.

Goddie: You mean you really want to forcefully eject people? But why?

Dog 2: We are asking you to shut up your mouth! Don’t ask questions for which there are no answers.

This is cheered by renewed growls and pawing of the ground. Goddie starts backing up.

Goddie: You guys are nuts… I mean you no harm. Look –

Dog 1 (now really on the verge of tears): Is it Motel New Sunrise or Marconi’s Nameless Signal? I am getting old. Please….

His faithful followers start chanting in a monotone, while advancing steadily on. Goddie is desperately seeking a way out.

Goddie: Hey… did you say Am An Ass?

Dog 1 (jubilant): That’s IT !!! AM AN ASS !!!! I am remembering !! You cannot be an outsider. You are knowing our values. You are a part of us only. We are very very sorry, ssir.

Goddie (wiping sweat discreetly): That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all along.

The mob parts, bowing in reverence to Goddie, who struts past (a little shakily, we must admit). The chants soon drown in the sea of ear-splitting noises from the traffic.

_________________________________________________________________________________

A couple of hours later…..

Bugger: Wake up!! Man, you’re rolling in fat sitting all day at home. The least I expect is a nod of recognition from you when I return.

Goddie: Shut up your mouth!

Bugger (taken aback by this blatant assault on language): Whoa.. take it easy! I just –

Goddie: I went for a walk.

Bugger: Really? Alone? Are you okay?

He begins his usual, suspiciously feminine fuss but is cut short by another spectacular show of fangs.

Goddie: I can take care of myself. Back off.

Bugger: Okay okay. Someone’s mean today. I’m getting myself dinner. Want something?

Goddie: Nope. I’m off to sleep.

Bugger (after some time, from the kitchen): So… how’s Mumbai?

Goddie (half-asleep): Next time, will you come along? Please?

Bugger comes running out.

Bugger: You mean.... Err, are you…. Scared?

Goddie (frowning): Meow.

Harsh on Tuesday, March 25, 2008 at 11:04 PM | Permalink